


Everything Is Ending

by storming_wolf



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depressed Dean, Depression, First Time, Grief/Mourning, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Minor Character Death, Self-Harm, Terminal Illnesses, Tragedy, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-04-04 17:58:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4147368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storming_wolf/pseuds/storming_wolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I remember the good moments in life. I remember how excited I was for mine and Cas' 3 year anniversary. I had just turned 16, gotten my license, and mom was letting me drive dad's '67 Impala. Things were good. Life was good. Was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything Is Ending

**Author's Note:**

> !!!~TRIGGER WARNING~!!!  
>  This chapter deals with self harm. If you would like to skip that section, I will separate it by a ~ instead of a line break.

February 2005

  
I remember the good moments in life. I remember how excited I was for mine and Cas' 3 year anniversary. I had just turned 16, gotten my license, and mom was letting me drive dad's '67 Impala. Things were good. Life was good. _Was_.

I had went for a run with Cas after dinner. He was getting ready for track while I got ready for baseball.

"You're getting slow, Novak!" I teased as I rounded the corner to the street the elementary school was on. We were gonna head to my house for a cool off. Maybe a make out. If I was lucky, tonight would be the night too. We had been talking about it more lately, and we were gonna let it happen when it did.

"Ow! Dean, my ankle popped!" Cas stopped and grabbed his ankle. I stopped and turned around. I bent down to look at his ankle and he pushed me over and took the lead. "You're so easy, Winchester!"

"You little shit!" I ran after him. We got to my house around 7:30, after and hour of running. He beat me there by a few seconds.

"I'm gross now," He fanned himself with his shirt. I chuckled as I pulled him into a kiss. He pressed his body against mine. I had gotten better about not getting over excited, but the way he was kissing me. Wow.

"Dean..." He whispered. I bit my lip and he nodded. I pulled him to the garage and we went into the back of the impala.

We lost our virginity that day, in the back of my dad's old car. It wasn't the most romantic way, but besides the cramped space, Cas hitting his head every two seconds, and the fact that he fucking sneezed when he came, it was still perfect to us.

Cas and I were cuddling on the couch, mom scolding me for a) not keeping it PG in front of Sammy and b) for having my feet on the table. She was making tea (I don't get her and Cas with the tea thing), and I was eating a protein bar. Its was so casual and peaceful.

And then the doorbell rang.

I didn't think twice about it. I was too busy taking the chance to make out with Cas when mom went to get the door.

"Oh my God..." I heard mom's broken voice from the door. I pulled away from Cas as Mom came into the living room, holding Dad's dog tags around her neck with tears forming in her eyes. A man in his dress blues came in, his hat taken off.

I tried to convince myself that Dad has just been hurt or something. I told myself he wasn't dead, that he couldn't be dead. The other night we video chatted. I saw him. He was alive. He's still alive.

"Dean, Sammy, Captain Walsh needs to tell you something," Mom said. I threw my arms around her and started crying.

"He's gone, isn't he?" I asked through my tears.

"Lieutenant Winchester served honorably and his death was not in vain," Captain Walsh said. I started shaking my head. Sam was standing and shaking, tears rolling down his face.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart," Mom said. She tried to hold me but I pulled away and paced the living room before I punched the wall and got angry.

"He's not gone! He's not!" I yelled. Sam came into the room, confusion and worry painted on his face.

"Mom...we just talked to him. We just got letters from him. He's not dead Mom, he's still alive. Tell me he's still alive Mom," Mom grabbed Sam and held him as he started to cry. I was pacing the room again and I couldn't breathe. I started hyperventilating.

"Dean, breathe baby," Mom rushed over to me and held my face. "Breathe with me...in...out..." I collapsed in her arms and sobbed.

Captain Walsh had to talk with Mom about a service for Dad. He was telling her about support groups and bullshit like that.

When I overheard how Dad died, I ran out of the house. I kept running and running and running.

I don't know how long I had been running when I heard his voice.

"Dean!" Cas was out of breath as he caught up with me.

"This isn't happening Cas. It's not real. It's a bad dream, tell me it's a bad dream Cas," I said. He sat me down on a bench and held me.

"I'm here Dean. I'm here."

I cried in his arms for a long time before we returned home. Mom took me in her arms and we all cried together.

February 10th, 2005 was the longest night of our lives. Cas reluctantly left when I insisted that he looked too exhausted to stay up with me.

Sammy and I slept with Mom. When she thought we were asleep, she cried really hard. She cried herself to sleep.

~

When she was asleep, I slipped into my bedroom. All I saw were the things about Dad that were a part of me. Old baseball stuff, some pictures from his first few tours. I saw one that was framed and I punched it.

"You said you'd come home! You said you'd come back!" I cried as I punched anything I could find. I collapsed to the floor and cried, my knuckles bleeding as I sat near the broken glass. I don't know why, but picked up a piece and dragged it across my forearm. Lightly at first, but harder the angrier I got.

"Why did you leave us?"

I cried and mindlessly carved into my arm. By time I realised what I had done, blood was dripping from the gashes I had made. I dropped the glass and went into the bathroom. My arm looked bad. I jumped into the shower and regretted it immediately. It hurt like hell.

I washed off the blood and made sure I didn't need stitches before wrapping gauze around my arm. I put on a USMC hoodie that used to be Dad's and tried to sleep.  
~  
I was awake all night. Mom was holding Sammy as they slept while I trudged around the living room. I heard the doorbell ring and went to the door to find Cas. He gave me tight hug and sat me on the couch.

"How're you feeling?" Cas asked.

"Numb," I whispered. He grabbed my hands and saw my bruised knuckles.

"What happened?" Cas asked.

"'S just a blur to me," I mumbled.

"Are you gonna be okay?" Cas asked.

"I just want to sleep," I said. He kissed my forehead and held me tightly.

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

Some parts of me wished that I had told him to stay, but the rest is happy I did tell him to go on to school.

Cas was already in sophomore classes, all honors, and would be taking AP next year. On top of him trying to do track and field and maintain a social life, he was exhausted. He lost some weight recently, not that he needed to to start off with. I blamed it on him running too much and eating too little. And he looked like he hadn't slept in days. I blamed the stress from school work.

I wished I had put two and two together.

The day was spent slipping between being asleep and wishing I was asleep. I couldn't stop lone tears from falling here and there. It was frustrating.

I just really wanted this day to end and for it to be a nightmare.

I got my wish. Because the nightmare intensified when I heard a loud knock at the door. I answered it to find a frantic Charlie.

"Dean, you need to get to the hospital. Cas collapses during practice and he got rushed by ambulance to the hospital," Charlie said.

I was in the car before I could tell mom what happened.

* * *

  
Cas was still unconscious when I got there. His parents filled me in on what happened. He was running laps and he told the coach he was dizzy. When he went to go sit out, his legs gave out and no one was sure if he was unconscious before or after hitting his head on the ground.

He hasn't responded to reflex tests in his legs, but had in his arms. They were worried that something was wrong with his legs.

I called my mom and told her everything that was going on with Cas. She told me to stay with him as long as I needed to.

I was at the hospital for 3 hours before he woke up.

"Can you tell me your name?" The doctor asked him.

"Castiel Emanuel Novak. I was adopted by Jimmy and Amelia Novak on July 10th, 1989 when I was a few weeks old. What happened?" Cas asked. 3 years of dating him and I never knew he was adopted...

"You passed out. Can you feel this Castiel?" The doctor ran a pen along the bottom of his right foot and he didn't feel it. He moved to his left foot.

"I feel it there," Cas said.

"I'm gonna review your scans," the doctor said before leaving. I held his hand and kissed him softly.

"I can't lose you too," I whispered. I was never one to be open with my emotions, especially sadness. But in that moment, I was a fragile and open wound with salt filling every crevice of my being.

"I'm not going anywhere," Cas said. He sat up a little and I tried to make him lie back down. He pressed his lips against mine.

"Just don't leave me angel," I sobbed. I don't think I've ever been this broken in my entire life. I didn't think it could get worse.

But I was, of course, terribly wrong.

"There's a tumor on your spinal chord and on a nerve on your thigh. We need some more test, but we believe that it is cancerous and metastasizing."


End file.
